The bar or the gym

 I wrote this a year ago but it's still a valuable truth...

I haven't posted about fitness or really much of anything in awhile...mostly because I've been in kind of a quiet mood since Truman passed away. But I was getting ready for #alljanecomedyfestival at Curious Comedy Theater and as I got out of the shower I noticed that my bath towel (standard size not bath sheet) double wrapped around my body...there was a time not that long ago that I couldn't even wrap a standard towel around my body without a gap. It may seem like a little thing but to me it was this moment of realization that I'm about half the size I was just two years ago...

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I think that the idea that women can't take up space is one of the great triumphs of patriarchy. As women, we are socialized and berated from every angle to be smaller in every way...smaller bodies, smaller voices, smaller actions. To "Look and act like a lady" and "ladies" are dainty and small. Thus, the idea that we need to be small to be worthwhile teaches us that size is a detriment to our being. 

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I was a victim of this socialization my entire life. Phrases like "Tone it down" "you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight" "quiet down your voice carries" "don't wear that your chest is hanging out" "are you sure you can sit down in that it looks tight" and my personal favorite "it doesn't matter what you look like, what matters is what's on the inside" were messages I received daily from all the adults and a lot of my peers growing up. If I was in a heavy phase I was told I needed to lose weight "for my health" and if I was on the other end of the spectrum people were "worried about me"  And I learned to loathe myself, be embarrassed of my voice and my size, to shrink at the sight of myself in the mirror. I twisted myself into a gumby doll to try to please these external voices telling me who and what I should be because just being me wasn't "ladylike". 

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I didn't like myself two years ago...I had lost who I was and my voice was buried in the weight I'd gained. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and things like towels after a shower were magnifications of my flaws and failures. But these last two years, through all of the trials and tribulations; the grief and the shock of having my world upturned and being broken down to my very core, gave me the opportunity to actually face these messages head on.

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And in those moments of broken heartache I had a choice...the bar or the gym. I chose the gym and it's given me a community I could have never imagined. I've been inspired by incredible (mostly) women that encouraged me to learn to love my body and the beauty of what I can do with it. The weight loss was almost a side effect as I learned to let go of the idea that my worth as a human was equated by the number on a scale or the size on a tag. 

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So, here I am, two years later, half the physical size I once was; unafraid of myself or my femininity, strong inside and out, and powerfully honest and vulnerable. And now,  I don't have to shout anymore to be heard, because I found my voice. I'm enough, whatever number is on the tag, my soul is not in the measurements of a dressmakers dummy.  

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I share this with whoever has decided to read this far 😂because my story isn't unique; it's the story of all women in one way or another. We are all fighting to have a voice, fighting for our individual identity, for our humanity...and I think our journeys toward self love and acceptance are the poetry of feminism.  

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That is all...Thank you for attending my Auggie talk 😉

Me too Dr. Ford

 Published on my Facebook 2 years ago during the Kavanaugh hearings. I think, since the Republicans are going back on their word and their so-called principles and trying to cram another judge down the American public's throat 5 weeks before an election, it's important for us to revisit who the last nominee was.

I've been formulating my thoughts about Mr. Trump's cruelty and insensitivity yesterday regarding Dr. Ford and the jeers of approval from his supporters when he criticized her. I didn't think this man could shock me anymore than he already has but, here he is with yet another unfathomable display of hubris.
As a survivor of a similar sexual assault I can say with certainty that I remember every smell, every touch, every sound of the night it happened. I remember the look in the eyes, the faces, the laughter...the walls and the darkness of the room. I remember the hallway, the pattern on the bedspread, the remote feeling of being outside my body watching it all happen...I remember every detail because it never goes away. In fact, it sneaks up on you like an insidious ghost, haunting you in the most inopportune moments...and you're right back in that place, barely a teenager, surrounded by older boys having "fun"..."boys will be boys" especially in the privileged world of private schools. Even writing this and contemplating posting it on Facebook is filling me with the same sense of shame and embarrassment I felt then...but I'm doing it anyway because if I don't speak out who will?
I am not the only victim, I can think of numerous women in the same social circle that had similar experiences.
Know what I don't remember? The way I got home, what I was wearing, the exact date or the exact address of the house where it happened. I don't remember who was at the party except for the boys that assaulted me. I don't remember the day of the week it was. I don't remember really anything except the assault itself...
I haven't spoken about this incident, ever. I never told my friends what happened in that room because I was so ashamed and I felt like it was my fault. But the next week everyone in the private school community knew because the boys had taken pictures and posted them up in the hallway at their school. It was a something to brag about, and something they were socially validated for...noone sanctioned the boys but I recieved my fair share of social ostracism. It affected the rest of my high school years and still haunts me today.
I am Christine Blasey Ford...and so are millions of women in this country.
So shame on you Mr. Trump for trivializing the impact that these events have on women. And shame on those who would doubt the memory of Dr. Ford. She's telling the truth, just as I've told you the truth above.
Any Senator that votes to confirm Brett Kavanaugh is making a statement that they don't think our experiences are valid and we WILL vote them out.
#BelieveSurvivors #metoo #StopKavanaugh

What is "press" anyway?

I thought long and hard before commenting on this video. 

https://youtu.be/st4VFoQIFLQ

The fact that I had pause because of fear of retaliation is the very reason my conscience compels me to speak up. And it took me so long to craft my comment that I felt it deserved it's own post, since my response is one of 8k on the original posting. 

"Oregon's reporter's privilege extends to every person engaged in any medium of newsgathering." (Rcfp. Org) Police Officers are employed to uphold the law not usurp due process. When Portland Police attack Press they do so in violation of Oregon State Statutes and The United States Constitution. PPB have continued to harass and abuse not only members of the community but news gathering persons engaged in the transmission of information to the public. 

It is not for Police to decide who is and isn't Press. With the rise of citizen journalism the definition of press has evolved with the times. One need not be employed by a major news outlet to transmit news to the world. And, with the technological advances in cell phones, it allows journalists to use phones for transmission instead of carrying a lot of bulky camera equipment. 

In fact, in 2015, a feature length film "Tangerine"won  an award at Sundance and it was shot entirely with iPhones. The officers assertion in the video that "you can't get out there with your cell phone and call yourself press" illustrates his lack of knowledge and training. He doesn't get to decide who is press and who isn't based on his limited experience and world view. And neither do any other police officers. 

I've observed Portland Police destroy personal property, attack and gravely injure unarmed people, instruct the crowd to disperse in a direction and then surround those following the directions and arrest them indiscriminately, use tear gas and smoke in neighborhoods, threaten and bully residents in their own yards, refuse to identify themselves to detainees, make racist and sexist remarks, unnecessarily touch female arrest victims, brutally beat people until they are bloody and break people's bones. 

ORS 166.015 is so ambiguous that the police can call a gathering of five people in a park a "riot" if one of them jaywalks. And that's what I've observed and recorded them doing, night after night after night. Last Thursday they arrested multiple people who were literally standing peacefully in the street and broke a woman's hand. Last weekend they arbitrarily called "riot" and tear gassed a children's elementary school and then terrorized residents shouting at them to "stay inside or be arrested". 

They yelled at a street medic on their way out of a neighborhood to "make good choices" in a mocking tone while hanging off the side of a riot van. 

I am in shock and utter disbelief every time I go out to gather footage or interview people... As a Portlander and as a member of the media. It saddens me and I wonder why more of my peers don't speak out. Many have greater reach than I do and they could shed light on the true happenings of this civil rights movement... Yet they don't. And I am again reminded that I watched this video interview and sat for more than an hour trying to decide if I should comment or not, so I can't blame anyone else for doing the same. 

This is why I'll support Joe Biden

It's no secret that I want to see a woman in the White House, and Elizabeth Warren has always been one of my choices to be first...
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I am also a realist. If this race comes down to Biden vs. Sanders... I 100% am all in for Joe!
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Here's why:
1. Joe Biden is sincerely one of the most compassionate human beings to have ever have held office. For real, he gives out his personal phone number to people he meets struggling with grief and anyone who can be that vulnerable in front of thousands of people possesses a level of humanity that few of us are brave enough to embrace. He genuinely cares about people. Whatever your views on his policy positions, this is a fact you can't dismiss

2. He is sensible. For instance, he talks about abolishing fracking in context with preserving jobs. He wants to invest in alternative energy and jobs before taking away people's livelihood.

*Some of you may say that that may be too little too late...to that point I ask you:

*How would you feel if somebody came in with an executive order that completely abolished your source of income and all the industry in the area you live?

*How would it feel to you look your child in the face and say "sorry I can't feed you today because the president decided to take away my job because he/she says it's bad" ?

Time after time Joe Biden's record shows that he puts the wellbeing of the people first...
And before you bring up the crime bill I'll say this:
He voted for and crafted legislation that we now find problematic. But, like literature, we cannot judge laws from the lens of the present without considering the view of the past.
His views have evolved, as I hope anyone's would after 20 or 30 years of more experience.
In fact, if someone's views are exactly the same throughout the entire course of their lives, I find that even more problematic. I know that some of my views and beliefs have evolved as I've lived in the world...I would hope our leaders would have the same human experience.

3. He's experienced. I shouldn't have to explain the value of having a leader in the Oval that knows the job. Especially after the mess cheeto has made.

4. He has the support of the Democratic electorate, particularly a group I greatly respect; the African American constituency. We (white and white passing) discount the needs of POC while we have cerebral debates (and often base arguments) about "values". Meanwhile, black and brown people, LGBTQ people, women and children suffer at the hands of Republicans who would just assume return to Jim Crow, strip away marriage equality, and make women vessels of the state in the name of "god".
It's time that we put the needs of others first and respect their voices.

5. Joe Biden has relationships. We live in Portland, Oregon and the majority of the people that I know work in tech and other industry sales: we all know the value of relationships; of being able to make a phone call and, on a personal level, have a discussion and come to an agreement.
Joe Biden has those relationships and he can leverage them to get things done.

*If we want legislation that expands Medicaid, that gives student loan relief, that expands preschool options for all of our children, that protects reproductive rights and lgbtq rights, that protects unions and the right to collective bargaining WE NEED SOMEBODY IN THE OVAL THAT HAS RELATIONSHIPS!

We may take back the House and the Senate with Joe Biden at the top of the ticket, but that doesn't mean that Republicans are going to cease to exist. We need somebody who can go to a table with the Republican leadership and can convince them to enact legislation that protects the best interest of the American people. That takes relationships.

More than anyone, Hillary Clinton supporters know the pain and agony of disappointment. We know how hard it is to watch your candidate lose and lose unfairly. our candidate was singularly the most qualified candidate to ever run for the United States presidency! She was attacked on every front but she still persisted! And then, because more than 50% of this country didn't vote, because Russians interfered in our elections, and Donald Trump was able to tap into underbelly of support but nobody saw coming she was robbed of an election she won.

I know that a lot of Sanders supporters feel like their candidate is losing unfairly and I am truly sorry that they have to experience those feelings. That doesn't change numbers, it doesn't change math, and it doesn't change the voices of the millions of people that have cast their votes.

We still have a lot of primaries between now and the convention. I am still holding out hope for a a bright capable amazing accomplished woman named Elizabeth Warren at the top of the ticket. But should she drop out or lose the nomination, I will do everything that I can to get Joe Biden elected.
I encourage everybody reading this post to join me, with love and compassion and the spirit of decency. Let's quit infighting, let's quit being hostile and let's take back our Republic!

P.S. I'm posting this to explain and advocate my eventual support for Joe Biden. If you want to know why I won't support Bernie Sanders, there are many public posts on my Facebook page and you can read all about it there. I'm not going to argue in the comments of this post.