I haven't posted about fitness or really much of anything in awhile...but I was getting ready for #alljanecomedyfestival at Curious Comedy Theater and as I got out of the shower I noticed that my bath towel (standard size not bath sheet) double wrapped around my body...there was a time not that long ago that I couldn't even wrap a standard towel around my body without a gap. It may seem like a little thing but to me it was this moment of realization that I'm about half the size I was just two years ago...
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I think that the idea that women can't take up space is one of the great triumphs of patriarchy. As women, we are socialized and berated from every angle to be smaller in every way...smaller bodies, smaller voices, smaller actions. To "Look and act like a lady" and "ladies" are dainty and small. Thus, the idea that we need to be small to be worthwhile teaches us that size is a detriment to our being.
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I was a victim of this socialization my entire life. Phrases like "Tone it down" "you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight" "quiet down your voice carries" "don't wear that your chest is hanging out" "are you sure you can sit down in that it looks tight" and my personal favorite "it doesn't matter what you look like, what matters is what's on the inside" were messages I received daily from all the adults and a lot of my peers growing up. If I was in a heavy phase I was told I needed to lose weight "for my health" and if I was on the other end of the spectrum people were "worried about me" And I learned to loathe myself, be embarrassed of my voice and my size, to shrink at the sight of myself in the mirror. I twisted myself into a gumby doll to try to please these external voices telling me who and what I should be because just being me wasn't "ladylike".
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I didn't like myself two years ago...I had lost who I was and my voice was buried in the weight I'd gained. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and things like towels after a shower were magnifications of my flaws and failures. But these last two years, through all of the trials and tribulations; the grief and the shock of having my world upturned and being broken down to my very core, gave me the opportunity to actually face these messages head on.
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And in those moments of broken heartache I had a choice...the bar or the gym. I chose the gym and it's given me a community I could have never imagined. I've been inspired by incredible (mostly) women that encouraged me to learn to love my body and the beauty of what I can do with it. The weight loss was almost a side effect as I learned to let go of the idea that my worth as a human was equated by the number on a scale or the size on a tag.
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So, here I am, two years later, half the physical size I once was; unafraid of myself or my femininity, strong inside and out, and powerfully honest and vulnerable. And now, I don't have to shout anymore to be heard, because I found my voice. I'm enough, whatever number is on the tag, my soul is not in the measurements of a dressmakers dummy.
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I share this with whoever has decided to read this far 😄because my story isn't unique; it's the story of all women in one way or another. We are all fighting to have a voice, fighting for our individual identity, for our humanity...and I think our journeys toward self love and acceptance are the poetry of feminism.-That is all...Thank you for attending my Auggie talk
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#lifeofauggie
